I’ve been asking people recently what Christmas means to them. Everybody gives a new version of the same answer. I’m interested to know because I don’t have an answer myself. I used to have one though.
One specific thing that has changed for the worse in terms of Christmas spirit over the years is waking up early. I always used to be too excited on and around Christmas eve to get any proper sleep. With all the presents, playing in the snow and family in the house it was nearly too much to handle. I ALWAYS used to wake up first, partially with the intention of waking everyone else, but also to enjoy every single moment of this time of the year. A few years later, that feeling has gone from me. Ok I realize not many 23 year olds still believe in Santa (by the way, why is Santa spelled with a capital S? Is that his real name?) but I didn’t imagine losing all of it. Even as I’m spending Christmas time here in my hometown where it used to matter the most, I can’t seem to remember what it was like. I really sucks, because if nothing else, it should be something to look forward to.
My two nephews can’t stop talking about Christmas and the last thing I want to do is bring them down with me. Luckily I am a very talented actor so hopefully such a situation can be avoided. But it’s still terrible that I don’t get to feel it myself.
Maybe it will come to me though. Even if not everyone I love will be here, maybe it will come to me. It’s buried inside of me, I just need a jump start to remember. I’m gonna try baking for now.